Monday, February 20, 2012

Supposed to be Stronger

The last deployment, I literally fell apart the day Nick left.
I was on recruiting duty with a 6 month old that I had never been alone with for that long...ever.
I honestly didn't know how I was going to make it.
My boss actually told me to take 2 free days off of work to get myself together without taking leave.
"No kid needs to see their recruiter fall apart at work" were his words to me.
I fell apart a week later in front of my SgtMaj when he came to do my eval and he actually had the nerve to ask my boss "What the hell is wrong with Romer?"
It's like, WTF? I may be a Marine, but I'm a wife and a mother.
Am I not allowed to cry?
Apparently, Marines don't cry....but I do.

I told myself since December...that this time...I would be strong...stronger.
I considered myself a "seasoned veteran" of deployment.
I told myself often this should actually be easier for me than the normal Marine Corps wife, cause I knew firsthand what it feels like to be forward deployed.
These are things I kept telling myself.
I actually psyched myself out about this deployment.
I told myself things like...

"It'll be sooooo good to have some 'me' time."
"I'm too dependent on Nick, and I've lost some independence, so it'll be nice to gain it back."
"Dannika is older now, so I can actually do fun things with her."
"I'm a care package queen. I can't wait to start making care packages."

This deployment HAS been easier.
In fact, I didn't cry the day I dropped Nick off.
I didn't stick around and wait for him to draw his weapons at the armory to say goodbye.
I simply dropped him off at the armory, gave him a huge hug, and a kiss....and told him not do to anything stupid and to come home :-)
And off I went...back to my house...just Dannika and me.
The weeks have been flying by, and I hardly have a moment to miss Nick.
Doesn't mean I don't miss him...
I just don't dwell on it so much like I did last deployment.

Today was my first bad day since he left.
Dannika's been sick, so she's been super cranky.
My patience has been running really thin.
I missed a chance to Skype with Nick this morning cause I wanted an extra 20 minutes of sleep.
I put Dannika down for a nap, and just kinda sat here and lost it for a minute.
Honestly, I think it's harder for me being a Marine and married to a Marine.
I try and put up a front that, "I got this", but in reality, I face the same realities every day that everyone else faces.
I just have to put up a front more because I go work everyday in a uniform and have junior Marines to take care of.
I can't do the things that I see all the other Marine wives doing cause let's face it...the Marine Corps has never been (and never will be) a 9 to 5 job.
I don't do middle of the week play dates cause I work an hour away from where my daughter is in daycare.
I don't get together for coffee and tea with the ladies on a Tuesday afternoon cause I can.
I don't get to complain on facebook everyday about how my child is being a brat and I need a glass of wine....even though I'd rather be home dealing with my bratty child than spending 10-12 hours a day away from her.
I get frustrated when I don't pick up Dannika on time from daycare cause I had to be at work late to discuss why my Marine (a grown man) got a DUI the night before.
Even if it's 20 minutes, I feel like I lost 20 minutes of my evening with her.
Sometimes, I feel inadequate as a mom cause I feel like I work more than I get to spend time with Dannika.
Other times, I feel like Supermom.
Sometimes I feel privileged to have a good paying job to be able to own a small modest home in the affluent Orange County and my dream car, Benz :-)

I am envious and jealous of stay at home moms. 
I feel like they have the hardest and best job in the world.
The most rewarding job.
Maybe a job that doesn't get the credit it deserves, but what Marine TRULY gets the credit they deserve unless they sacrifice their life?

I really can't wait to do a SAHM that is...not sacrifice my life...(in case you got that

Until then,
I'll keep being stronger.
I'll be proud to tell my daughter when she's older that her mommy was one of the best...
A U.S. Marine

What kid can say that?
This kid can (below)

1 comment:

  1. Wow.. I am a Dual military mother and wife. This hit right in the middle of my heart. I feel the pain your speak of, envythales women too and often wonder why I want to spend every single moment of my free time at home woth my beautiful little girl!! You hit the nail on the head!! Thank you for showing me that I am not alone and that it's ok to cry and be a human being too. It's hard sometimes to see this when your supposed to be the tough Marine.


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