Friday, March 14, 2014


Another deep post.

I've been going through a lot this week personally. 

I had a big realization this week that in the last 3 years, I've kind of lost myself.
My identity kind of disappeared.
I started thinking back to figure out how all of this happened to me, and I realized that the transition from being a Marine to a stay at home mom has been a rough one for me.
Being a Marine has been my identity for 10 years of my adult life.
It's been a lifestyle that I've embraced, loved, and hated all at the same time. 
I honestly believe that I am who I am today because of my experiences in the Marine Corps.
The Marine Corps shaped and molded my personality, the way I think about things...
I did my "growing up" in the Marines.
It's not a life I want to go back to, but it's a life I sometimes miss.
When I decided that I couldn't wait to get out of the Marine Corps, my mind "checked out" of being a Marine.
I cared less about my job, and I focused more on myself, and my health issues in order to get out. 
I was miserable my last 2 years in the Corps, because I was already thinking about life outside of it.
When I finally got out, it was (what I thought) one of the most happiest days of my life.
I felt like I was free and that the chains of the U.S. Government had been broken off of me.
('s THAT freeing the day you receive you DD-214...discharge paperwork)

I moved across country from my happy place in California to New England to reunite our family after almost a year of being separated.
I remember the first morning that I woke up, and realized it was my "first official day" as a stay at home mom.
I had coffee with my husband, packed his lunch, and sent him on his way to work.
In that moment, it hit me.

"That was MY life. He gets to live MY old life while I sit at home and make paper snowflakes with a 3 year old. He gets to feel important. I have no one to give me awards and medals when I make an awesome paper snowflake with my daughter, or when I make the most amazing mac and cheese ever for lunch!"

My emotions were so conflicted.
I WANTED to be a stay at home mom, and I HATED being a Marine.
After thinking through this feeling I had, I realized that although I was miserable the last 2 years, the 8 years prior to that were some of the best times of my life.
 I had forgotten about all the good times in the midst of being miserable and focusing on life after the Corps.
I tried to push that thought out of my mind, and I just focused on raising our kids and "surviving New England".

I feel like I never got the chance to properly "transition" out of the Marine Corps to this new life of "stay at home motherhood".
I literally got out, went to Texas for 2 weeks, and moved to New England.
I never got the chance to say goodbye to my old life for good to start my new life.
I didn't realize that a part of me was still hanging onto being a Marine, and it was slowly eating away at my heart inside of me. 

One moment that stands out in my mind is when I was filling out paperwork at the doctor's office, and they asked for my occupation.
I started to write "U.S. Marine" wait....what am I? 
Do I write "stay at home mom"...."none"...."home maker"..."Marine wife"....what the hell am I!?
My daughter's birth certificate has my occupation down as U.S. Marine.
My son's....I don't even know. 

I love being home with my kids, and I love being able to raise them.
I know it's an opportunity a lot of mothers don't have, and I am SO thankful that we have the means for me to do this.
But the last 2 years here in New England, I lost a part of myself.
The part of myself that I identified with was no longer a part of my life, and I hadn't fully embraced my new identity.

All of these realizations I had this week have been so "freeing".
I finally get why it's been so tough for me these last 2 years here in New England, and besides the weather...I've been miserable because I wasn't who I wanted to be anymore.
I started counseling on my own to sort through all of this, and it was a breath of fresh air to hear from someone...a professional...that I was normal.

Thank God, right?
I'm normal.

I've made more of an effort this week to connect with some ladies that I've hung out with a few times, but have avoided and dodged play dates with because I didn't want to make friends.
I've woken up to have coffee with my husband every day this week to connect with him.

I think I'm on the right track to saying goodbye to my old life, and hello to my new life.

And since this post is so deep and slightly depressing...
Here are some pics to make you smile (if you're not)...

This is Mattis giving me the "stank eye" because I handed him over to his dad.
I needed a break.
Such a mama's boy!




  1. It is definitely not easy but it sounds like you are taking the right steps. hang in there!

  2. It's not an easy thing, but you are taking steps towards making a better, happier life for yourself, so that is definitely a good thing. New England isn't so bad ;)

  3. You're definitely normal. Hang in there!

  4. Aww!!! I just want to hug you and then take you out for a drink! haha. I went through this same thing. After two years of being a stay at home mom I was like who am I? I went from working and getting dressed everyday and traveling for my job, to sweats and spit up. It took me a bit to adjust and realize that what I am doing at home is more important and fulfilling than the daily grind. You are amazing...dont get down about this stuff. Making friends and getting out there always helps!

  5. Glad you are taking the steps to feeling better! You aren't alone!

  6. It'll be okay! FM and I have had this discussion so many times, and I often feel like this life is going to leave me unfulfilled since we'll be moving around a ton and I probably won't be finding too many jobs, no less something I actually like in my field. Every now and then I get the resentment bug, feeling like he gets to do everything he wants to while I sit in wait, but in others I know it's a character building experience. It will certainly come and go, but remember you love being a mama, and you get to experience all those awesome moments not every working mom does! There's a bright side to it all :)

  7. I worry about losing my identity making that transition to stay at home wife and mommy. It's nice to know I'm not completely alone! Starting a new chapter in life is definitely scary and exciting all at the same time. Oh and I love the picture of little guy sitting up.

  8. I can tell your a great mom but the transition from Marine to mom has got to be a HUGE change! I think your are definitely normal and it just takes time.

  9. Completely, completely agree!! I had a breakdown the other day because we have our 10 year reunion coming up and all I am now is a stay at home mom and not a fancy professional like so many of my friends. I really do love being a stay at home mom (most days) but I miss having an identity other than mommy and a military wife. So yes, your feelings are completely normal! Hugs!!


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